[Stephen Davis]

Value Proposition / Cold Email Review

Stephen Davis

Participant

Apr 22, 2024

Hey there, looking for some honest feedback on the following email / value proposition I created. Thanks!

I reached out because we help data teams in eCommerce with many SKU’s deliver significantly more high value data use cases, whilst significantly cutting down their time and risk.

How we do it is different to the typical data technologies, but it’s really easy to implement. 

Would it make sense to jump on a quick call this week to run through how we can do it for [company]?

[Will Barron]

Will Barron

Keymaster

Apr 23, 2024

Will Barron Apr 23, 2024

Hey Steve, some thoughts –

• Remove as many words as possible to the point that the text still makes sense.
• “I reached out” sounds very salesy. It’s better to make a clear hypothesis of their problem out of the gate or personalize the email to that specific person.
  • “I see that you guys just did X, we might be able to help with Y”
  • “Heads of data who manage lots of SKU’s tell me that they’re constantly swamped with X”
• The “how we do it” line is great. Lots of curiosity built.
• Remove “this week” from the CTA. Sounds pushy and salesy.

Example –

 

Hi NAME,

Heads of data who manage lots of SKU’s tell me that they’re constantly swamped with tech debt.

We eliminate tech debt in a subtly different way to the typical technologies. It’s also crazy easy to implement. 

Would it make sense to jump on a quick call and I’ll explain how it works?

Thanks

[Stephen Davis]

Stephen Davis

Participant

Apr 23, 2024

Stephen Davis Apr 23, 2024

Thanks Will, really like it. I’ve adapted it to match this style but with the tech focus. I’ve also read a report just today with some of the top challenges in the data realm so I will be creating a cadence using this info (focusing on surveyed top pains and areas of improvement)

[name] – Struggling with data quality?

Hi NAME,

Heads of data who manage lots of SKU’s tell me that they’re constantly struggling with poor quality data.

We improve data quality by streamlining the collection and processing of data from multiple sources, which is different to typical technologies. It’s also super easy to implement.

Would it make sense to jump on a quick call and I’ll explain how it works?

Thanks

[Will Barron]

Will Barron

Keymaster

Apr 25, 2024

Will Barron Apr 25, 2024

Stephen Davis wrote:

[name] – Struggling with data quality?

I’d probably just do –

NAME – Data quality?

People don’t want to be told that they’re struggling, even if they know they are.

Same thing for the first line of the email –

Heads of data who manage lots of SKU’s tell me it’s a challenge to manage poor quality data.

Finally I’d break the second line into a couple of sentences and simplify by removing a few words to help with the legibility –

We improve data quality by streamlining the collection of data from multiple sources. We work differently to typical technologies and so it’s super easy to implement.

[Author]

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