• This topic has 2 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Don Madden.
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  • #9516875
    Two Cold Emails for Review
    Don Madden
    Participant
    Apr 23, 2024

    Prospects that are  Hiring.

    Subject Line: NAME, Is the cost of your new hires too high?

    ABC co. is in growth mode.

    That’s great but not cheap.

    With new hires comes increased expenses

    I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth

    of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the

    art analytical tools to the issue.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call

    to see if I can help?

    Prospects without a trigger.

    Subject Line: NAME,  Are you an expert in telco costs?

    Telco service, costs, data points, is all a bit of a mystery.

    Just ask your Telco contact to explain it.

    One size fits all telco programs cost you money

    that you could put to better use.

    You should know your options.

    I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth

    of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the

    art analytical tools to the issue.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call

    to see if I can help?

    Comments welcome

     

    #9516889
    Will Barron
    Keymaster
    Apr 25, 2024
    Will Barron Apr 25, 2024

    Looks like the formatting went a little weird when you posted. I’ve reformatted your emails (to make sure I didn’t get the wrong end of the stick with them) and there are some notes below –

    Prospects that are  Hiring

    Subject Line:

    NAME, Is the cost of your new hires too high?

    Email:

    Hi NAME,

    ABC co. is in growth mode. That’s great but not cheap.

    With new hires comes increased expenses

    I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the art analytical tools to the issue.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?

    The subject line needs to be shorter.

    I’d be a little softer with your hypothesis in the first line or be clear where this strong hypothesis has come from –

    I looks like ABC is in growth mode.

    From the number of job ads ABC is currently putting out, it looks you’re you’re in growth mode.

    I’m not sure we need the “that’s great but not cheap” line.

    Take a look at the value prop I covered in your other post.

    Finally, I think you should be more direct with your CTA. If you can help them reduce their bill, then pitch a call do to that rather than to see if you can more generally help.

    That leaves us with something like –

     

    Subject Line:

    NAME, growth?

    Email:

    Hi NAME,

    From the number of job ads ABC is currently putting out, it looks you’re you’re in growth mode.

    We help finance executives reduce the unchecked growth in telecom expenses to free up cash for expansion.

    I do this with painless, fast, state of the art bill analysis, without the need to change telecom vendors.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can reduce your bill?

    Thanks,

     

    Prospects without a trigger

    Subject Line:

    NAME,  Are you an expert in telco costs?

    Email:

    Hi NAME,

    Telco service, costs, data points, is all a bit of a mystery.

    Just ask your Telco contact to explain it.

    One size fits all telco programs cost you money that you could put to better use.

    You should know your options.

    I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the art analytical tools to the issue.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?

    This subject line sounds a little condescending.

    Similar to before “is all a bit of a mystery” makes it sound like you think the prospect can’t do their job. Be a little softer.

    Otherwise it’s a great email. I’ve simplified a few bits below –

     

    Subject Line:

    NAME – Skyrocketing telco costs?

    Email:

    Hi NAME,

    Telco service, costs, data points, can seem like a bit of a mystery.

    That’s because one size fits all telco programs cost you money that you could put to better use.

    You should know your options.

    We help finance executives reduce the unchecked growth in telecom expenses with painless, fast, state of the art bill analysis, without the need to change telecom vendors.

    Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can reduce your bill?

    Thanks,

     

    #9516892
    Don Madden
    Participant
    Apr 25, 2024
    Don Madden Apr 25, 2024

    Very helpful…. will email 25 today.

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