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Email re-write
My first campaign died a death.
Back to the drawing board, your feedback is most welcome:
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#1
[title] name – Humiliation
Hi xx,
Don’t live with humiliation of poor network performance.
As network superstars, we optimise multi-vendor networks on a daily basis.
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if we can improve your network performance?
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#2
[title] name – ROI
Hey xx,
What’s the ROI of expensive applications running on a creaking network? Frustration.
We are Grade ‘A’ network specialists, removing hidden bottlenecks that hurt you.
Would it make sense to jump on a 10 minute call, to see how we can help where others have failed?
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#3
[title] name – Hair loss
Did you know that poor network performance can lead to serious hair loss?
As LAN/WAN stylists, we optimise networks to meet business trends.
Would it make sense to jump on a 10 minute call, to see how we can help where others have failed you?
Thanks
Avtar
Hey Avtar. Couple of things missing from these emails –
- Personalised first line
- Highlighting a specific need that the prospect has
- Give proof that you can solve the problem/data to support the problem
Here is an example of something more like what we should be aiming for –
Hi [NAME],
I saw on your company LinkedIn page that you’re hiring for remote positions.
BYOD and remote work at scale has changed corporate networking forever.
We found that 46% of corporate networks haven’t been audited since this fundamental change. Gartner says that 18% of workers will never come back to the office either.
Additionally 45% of organizations worldwide have experienced attacks on their software supply chains, a three-fold increase from 2021.
Would you mind if I shared how a painless network audit could help remove bottlenecks and instantly harden your network?
Thanks
#1
Hi [contact name],I saw on your LinkedIn page that [personalise- you are responsible for network managements at ABC company].
You have probably seen for yourself, that user collaboration and application demands are exposing corporate network limitations.
Our Network audits shine the light on hidden limitations. In some cases we have helped clients to identify and gain a 80% uplift on network performance.
Would you mind if I shared how a painless network audit could help remove bottlenecks and instantly strengthen your networks?
Avtar
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#2 [I took a look on companies house and the contacts Li profile to personalise the message]
Hi xx,David XXX [their CEO] announced that [their business name] suffered a major financial loss, due to inflation within the food and farming sector.
Nevertheless, demands on your LAN/WAN probably continued if not increased, requiring your networks to be fully functional and optimised 24/7.
In the past we have helped Eurofins shine the light on network bottlenecks that were restricting user, application and system performance.
Would it make sense to jump on a call and share how our Network Audits can help remove hidden bottlenecks across your 6 operational sites [personalise]?
Avtar
#3
Hi xx,
With 6 operational sites in the South East, your LAN/WAN needs to be functional 24/7.
With such a reliance on your network it’s difficult to find time and personnel to fully optimise it.
In the past we have helped Eurofins shine the light on network bottlenecks that restricted users, applications and system performance.
Would it make sense to jump on a call and share how our Network Audits can help remove hidden bottlenecks across your 6 operational sites [personalise]?
Avtar
(I think I’ve got the hang of this) – this one is for architects and engineers
#4
Just noticed, that your teams collaborate and deliver impressive projects in the UK, USA and Middle East.
To help architects and engineers with project delivery, we find and fix LAN/WAN bottlenecks that could otherwise cause major delays.
We recently helped Harry Dobbs increase their network performance by 80%, allowing their teams to effectively collaborate across locations.
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if we can do the same for you?
thanks, Avtar
(I think I’ve got the hang of this) – this one is for architects and engineers #4 Just noticed, that your teams collaborate and deliver impressive projects in the UK, USA and Middle East. To help architects and engineers with project delivery, we find and fix LAN/WAN bottlenecks that could otherwise cause major delays. We recently helped Harry Dobbs increase their network performance by 80%, allowing their teams to effectively collaborate across locations. Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if we can do the same for you? thanks, Avtar
That is a night and day difference to the emails at the top of this thread!
You’re getting the hang of it now! This is transformational VS the original emails.
Few tweaks –
- Split architects and engineers into two cadences so the email is much more specific.
- Stand behind your message (
could causeVS do cause) - What specifically causes the project delays? That would make the message more targeted. We want the prospect to go “ah, that’s what I’m suffering with” when they read our email.
Hi NAME,
Just noticed your focus on team collaboration and that you’re delivering impressive projects in the UK, USA and Middle East.
Architects often have LAN/WAN bottlenecks that cause major project delays.
We recently helped Harry Dobbs increase their network performance by 80%, enabling them to better collaborate across global locations.
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if we can do the same for you?
Thanks,
Avtar
PS – Good to see you added me to your cadence. But you put my first and second name in the subject line (first name only) and you spelt my surname wrong.
Don’t let silly mistakes mess up what otherwise would be a great email.
2nd email
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title [1st name] – how are you managing?
Hi xxx,
Notice you support [x100] users and manage an IT network across [x5 sites].
With co-managed Network support, a team of network experts handle all 2nd and 3rd line issues.
For ‘Harry Dobbs Design’ we manage all 2nd and 3rd line support, cutting the IT teams load whilst improving user experience.
With co-managed Network support, a team of network experts handle all 2nd and 3rd line issues for you.
thanks – Avtar
3rd email
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title [1st name] – hair loss
Hi xxx,
Did you know that poor network performance can lead to serious hair loss?
As LAN/WAN stylists, we optimise networks to meet business demand.
Would it make sense to jump on a 10 minute call, to see how we can help where others have failed you?
thanks – Avtar
Getting better!
- Make sure that there’s a clear call to action (otherwise what was the point in emailing them?)
- Make your prospects/customers the hero rather than you (we did this VS they did that)
Hi xxx,
Notice you support [x100] users and across [x5 sites] networked sites.
Harry Dobbs Design were in a similar position last year.
Their IT team were at breaking point. Overworked and under appreciated.
They partnered with us and we took on the burden for all 2nd and 3rd line support. This cut their load whilst improving user experience.
The team now get to focus on the important support issues and job satisfaction is way up.
Do you mind if I share how we did it?
Thanks,
Avtar
Nice work. Great example Will. Thanks
I’m currently working on improving my emails and your transformation here is incredible to see.
Thanks Lauren. I struggled with this for years.
Will’s ‘cold email’ framework and input has been invaluable.
I simply leaned on Will.
The results have been very good, the folk replying (20% of all email opens) have shared a good deal of info with me.
Follow the plan, as outlined in the training videos. Post your efforts on the community.
Good luck.. look forward to seeing your post
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