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Cold Email Review
Hey Will, below are some real life examples of my cold emails to new logo propects. On our last meeting you mentioned I should put them here for feedback. Would appreciate your thoughts, and ask that you please hold me to a world class standard on these. Thank you.
(BTW, the metrics I’m using below our 100% legit from Salesforce research metrics, n0 bullshit.)
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Context: Rosalyn is the Director of Operations, Patient Access at Yale University Medicine Center.
Trigger Event: She just got hired 3 months ago, and they just opened a new center.
Subject Line: Patient Access
Hey Rosalyn
Launching Yale Medicine’s new Infection Center could bring new logistical challenges, especially for Patient Access.
Our clients like University of Pittsburgh Medical Center, see a 31% increase in patient/member acquisition while reducing operational costs by 25% on average.
If it makes sense to talk Rosalyn, how does your calendar look this week?
Thanks,
Liam
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Context: Executive Director or a Mental Health Care/addiction instituion
Trigger Event: None
Subject Line: Stigma
Hey Andy,
I know the stigma around addiction treatment can be a roadblock to effective care and growth for centers like yours.
Our Behavioral Health clients like Lyra Health, see a 31% in patient acquisition while a 29% uptick in patient adherence on average.
Interested in exploring the potential to achieve similar results Andy?
Thanks,
Liam
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Context: Chariman, Executive VP, & Director of Technology High Voltage, Inc.
Trigger Event: None
Subject Line: Stephen, Revenue + Costs
Hey Stephen,
Navigating market competition while driving revenue is no walk in the park.
Our electrical component clients like Boston Scientific see a 29% increase in sales while cutting costs by 25% on average.
Interested in exploring the potential to achieve similar results Stephen?
Thanks,
Liam
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Looking forward to your honest feedback will, thanks!
and ask that you please hold me to a world class standard on these.
I’d expect nothing less from you mate!
Email 1
Subject Line: Patient Access
I’d give her a little more in the subject line. This could be a super boring internal memo.
“Patient access priority?”
Launching Yale Medicine’s new Infection Center could bring new logistical challenges, especially for Patient Access.
I’d make this more conversational. Imagine sitting down next to someone at a conference and saying that out loud to them. You’d sound like a robot.
I’m assuming “patient access” is an industry term as it doesn’t really make sense if it isn’t.
“Opening a new infection center always brings logistical challenges.
We might be able to help in this exciting time.”
If it makes sense to talk Rosalyn, how does your calendar look this week?
You know my thoughts on these close ended CTAs. They’re a little gross.
“Is there value in a quick call to see if there scope to help with your new project?”
Email 2
You haven’t really linked the “stigma” with patient acquisition clearly. I’d make it more obvious.
“Hi Andy,
I’m not sure if you’ve also found that stigma around addiction treatment can be a roadblock to effective care (and growth for health centers).
We helped like Lyra Health beat the stigma and do more good work.
They had a 31%increase in patient acquisition and a 29% uptick in patient adherence on average using our software.
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call and I’ll share any insights that I have that might be able to help?
Thanks, Liam[/quote]
Email 3
Rewrite this one with the insights from the previous two emails and I’ll take a look at it.
You’ve got the “system” nailed with these. You now just need to make them a little more human.
I’d also mention (as I did in email 2) that you’re selling a software tool. Being more specific doesn’t necessarily close the curiosity loop, it can make it more powerful as it pains a little more of a clearer picture on how you might be able to help.
Thanks so much for the feedback Will! Makes sense. Here goes number 3:
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Context: Chariman, Executive VP, & Director of Technology High Voltage, Inc.
Trigger Event: None
Subject Line: HV+CRM=Revenue
Hey Stephen,
Navigating market competition while driving revenue is no walk in the park.
Our electrical component clients like Boston Scientific, see a 29% increase in sales while cutting costs by 25% on average with our tech.
Open to discussing if you could achieve similar results Stephen?
Thanks,
Liam
(BTW, do you think I should leverage the name “Salesforce” more in my emails for further trust and social proof? Maybe something like: “Our Salesforce clients like…”?
(BTW, do you think I should leverage the name “Salesforce” more in my emails for further trust and social proof? Maybe something like: “Our Salesforce clients like…”?
Do you have logos etc in your email sig? Then nah you’ll be fine without.
Navigating market competition while driving revenue is no walk in the park.
I’m not clear what that means. It doesn’t pass the “sitting next to someone at a bar and starting a conversation” test.
Hey Stephen,
Are these important people? Then go with “hi” or “name – blah blah”
Open to discussing if you could achieve similar results Stephen?
This is putting the pressure on him. Take the pressure/challenge yourself.
Hi Stephen,
Interested in doing something unheard of? Increasing sales whilst cutting costs with a simple tool…
Our electrical component clients like Boston Scientific, see a 29% increase in sales while cutting costs by 25% on average with our [SPECIFIC PRODUCT].
Open to discussing if we can potentially do the same for you
Thanks,
Liam
Amazing feedback will, thank you. What are your thoughts on this one below?:
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Hi Alexis,
From working closely with CEOs of health tech companies, I know that increasing revenue, and lowering costs are common challenges.
Our clients like Optum, see a 29% increase in revenue, while cutting costs by 25% on average with our CRM.
Interested in exploring if we can help you achieve similar results Alexis?
Thanks,
Liam
From working closely with CEOs of health tech companies, I know that increasing revenue, and lowering costs are common challenges.
Maybe make this more conversational rather than a statement.
Currently working with heath tech CEOs and X seems like an immediate challenge.
X should be something more specific than increasing revenue or lowering costs.
“lowering costs in a difficult to forecast financial climate”
Can you make “with our CRM” more sexy?
“with a new feature in our CRM”
“with a tweak to the CRM you’re already using”
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