#9516889
Will Barron
Keymaster
Apr 25, 2024
Will Barron Apr 25, 2024

Looks like the formatting went a little weird when you posted. I’ve reformatted your emails (to make sure I didn’t get the wrong end of the stick with them) and there are some notes below –

Prospects that are  Hiring

Subject Line:

NAME, Is the cost of your new hires too high?

Email:

Hi NAME,

ABC co. is in growth mode. That’s great but not cheap.

With new hires comes increased expenses

I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the art analytical tools to the issue.

Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?

The subject line needs to be shorter.

I’d be a little softer with your hypothesis in the first line or be clear where this strong hypothesis has come from –

I looks like ABC is in growth mode.

From the number of job ads ABC is currently putting out, it looks you’re you’re in growth mode.

I’m not sure we need the “that’s great but not cheap” line.

Take a look at the value prop I covered in your other post.

Finally, I think you should be more direct with your CTA. If you can help them reduce their bill, then pitch a call do to that rather than to see if you can more generally help.

That leaves us with something like –

 

Subject Line:

NAME, growth?

Email:

Hi NAME,

From the number of job ads ABC is currently putting out, it looks you’re you’re in growth mode.

We help finance executives reduce the unchecked growth in telecom expenses to free up cash for expansion.

I do this with painless, fast, state of the art bill analysis, without the need to change telecom vendors.

Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can reduce your bill?

Thanks,

 

Prospects without a trigger

Subject Line:

NAME,  Are you an expert in telco costs?

Email:

Hi NAME,

Telco service, costs, data points, is all a bit of a mystery.

Just ask your Telco contact to explain it.

One size fits all telco programs cost you money that you could put to better use.

You should know your options.

I help companies solve the problem of unchecked growth of telco expenses. I do this by applying state of the art analytical tools to the issue.

Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?

This subject line sounds a little condescending.

Similar to before “is all a bit of a mystery” makes it sound like you think the prospect can’t do their job. Be a little softer.

Otherwise it’s a great email. I’ve simplified a few bits below –

 

Subject Line:

NAME – Skyrocketing telco costs?

Email:

Hi NAME,

Telco service, costs, data points, can seem like a bit of a mystery.

That’s because one size fits all telco programs cost you money that you could put to better use.

You should know your options.

We help finance executives reduce the unchecked growth in telecom expenses with painless, fast, state of the art bill analysis, without the need to change telecom vendors.

Would it make sense for us to jump on a quick call to see if I can reduce your bill?

Thanks,