Will Barron
Feb 9, 2024
Will Barron Feb 9, 2024

Few pointers –

and have delivered top notch service in SoCal

Can you define that? i.e. we have never been late or we’ve completed 213 out of 213 collections.

s we have taken the stress away from our Southern California travel arrangements.

Typo – “your Southern…”

Do you have a quote from them that confirms this statement?

The travel industry is changing constantly and with business needing to adapt to these changes, it is crucial to have a trusted partner across the US, and the World that can ensure your executives are handled with professionalism and a duty of care that will give them the much needed rest, time, or energy to prepare for whatever it is that lead them to fly to and from that city.

This is the longest sentence of all time :).

It’s much better to write (incorrectly from a technical perspective) with lots of short, sharp sentences and then put each of them on a new line.

Like this.

It makes everything more readable.

With the “why now” section you haven’t given a specific reason why they should change now.

For example for sales training –

Millennials have recently aged up into management roles with purchasing power. If you try to tell to them the way selling has been done for the past 20 years you’re going to at best lose deals, at worst loose everything.

We have vetted and trusted partners that will make sure your executives have the opportunity to work, relax, and enjoy their travel. They won’t have to worry about where their car is at, look for a taxi or Uber, or get lost in an unknown city.

Be more specific about what you can do for that specific account.

You want to break into/grow the account right? Well give them a broad stroke of how you think you can make that happen.

It’s great to see you getting more strategic about your sales process Vin. I know I’m giving you a lot of tough feedback at the moment but you’re going to come out of the other end of this process with a much more effective sales machine in place :).