#9516362
Will Barron
Keymaster
Jan 4, 2024
Will Barron Jan 4, 2024

Good job.

Main feedback is to simplify and shorten. That typically means removing buzzwords and eliminating anything that doesn’t absolutely have to be there to get your message across.

For example –

We help [specific job title] capture their carbon and sustainability data. This agony by eliminating the need to populate boring spreadsheets for reporting. We find, collect and run your data reporting automatically, like magic.

I’ve added a few key words (“agony”, “like magic”, “boring”) to make the value prop more exciting.

The final way to improve it is to ask yourself “does the buyer give a shit” about each and every line. Anything they don’t really care about, remove or improve.