Hi Shane,
These are loads better than what you’ve shown me previously. Here are some notes:
- “Connecting because your email has popped up in our database of recent Data Leaks”. Add a layer of timeliness to statements like these – “your email has just popped up…”
- “Would it make sense to if we jumped on a quick call and I’ll explain the vulnerability” you missed a “?” here and there are grammatical errors in other emails. Double check everything.
- “50% of similar Irish Companies have suffered a Data Breach in the last year.” this is very much an intro to a marketing email. Marketing email is generic and goes out to lots of people. To make it a sales email, get specific “50% of companies in your industry…”.
- “Our mission here at 4Securitas is to give you the best advice for your organization.” nobody cares about your mission. They only care about having their problems solved.
I think you’ve got some great ideas here. They just need a little polishing and reframing to give the buyer a reason to connect with you immediately.
Some rewrites below.
