#9516216
Will Barron
Keymaster
Nov 14, 2023
Will Barron Nov 14, 2023

Hey Laura,

Here’s some feedback –

  • “I trust this message finds you well.” Would you say this in a conversation? If not, then don’t put it in an email.
  • Stop talking about yourself. They don’t care. I care, you’re a legend. But random sales manager doesn’t. Instead, think about the problems the business has and how you are the right person to solve them.
  • “Hope this message finds you in the middle of a coffee-fuelled productive day!” I know you’re being friendly, but until you’ve connected with these people, keep it professional.
  • “Just wanted to follow up and ensure my application didn’t take an unexpected detour in the vast digital universe.” This is selfish. You want to be demonstrating that you are someone that gives value rather than taking it.
  • Basically, make a prediction about the needs of the hiring manger/business and then position yourself as the solution. i.e. If it’s an events business, lets say they struggle to close deals until the last minute before the event, this stresses everyone out. You position yourself as someone who can build sales cadences, crush deal cycle lengths and support prospects in their decision making process.