Hey Jake, good first attempt. Here’s some feedback –
- Try to rewrite the sentences so they’re not “I” do this, “I did that”. Your buyer wants to hear about them, not you. So use “we helped them X” rather than “I do this”. Make the buyer the hero.
- Cut any word out that is not 100% needed to convey your message.
- Remember the idea of feature, benefit, desire? Focus on the prospects desires (save time, no hassle) rather than the benefits (reduce waste/cost).
Something more like this –
Hi [NAME],
[SCHOOL] just reduced their monthly spend on print by 40%.
We helped them streamline their current print systems and make the issues they’re used to facing fade into the background.
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call and I’ll explain how we did it?
Thanks,
