Much better David. I think you can still improve it slightly by making it a little more conversational.
Read it out loud and refine it until you’d be comfortable saying it in person, at an event, to someone who asks “what do you do”.
Use the template as a guide rather than a strict structure.
We help housing directors relieve the issue of homelessness. Usually it takes hiring 4 teams and a bunch of hassle. We have a unique way of rapidly reducing accommodation pressure.
The goal is to leave the other person in a position where they’re asking “tell me more” or “how do I get started”.
