Will Barron
Mar 15, 2023
Will Barron Mar 15, 2023

Hey Abhijeet,

Few pointers for you –

– It’s way too long
– No real personalisation in the first line
– Try to ask one question and then solve it rather than asking many. Leaves the reader confused.
– Company names aren’t the best personalisation. Can be automated/scraped easily.
– Use one benefit per email (bullet points)
– CTA sucks. Keep it really simple.
– CTA in the first few emails should be to book a meeting to discuss.

Here’s a quick rewrite –

Hi [NAME],

Slightly belated, but congrats on the new role at [COMPANY]. It looks like you’re really innovating with [THING].

When you got started in the role, did you inherit a bunch of disconnected IT systems?

We help CFOs eliminate personal risk by pulling their data into the cloud (and out of Excel).

Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?