Hey Abhijeet,
Few pointers for you –
– It’s way too long
– No real personalisation in the first line
– Try to ask one question and then solve it rather than asking many. Leaves the reader confused.
– Company names aren’t the best personalisation. Can be automated/scraped easily.
– Use one benefit per email (bullet points)
– CTA sucks. Keep it really simple.
– CTA in the first few emails should be to book a meeting to discuss.
Here’s a quick rewrite –
Hi [NAME],
Slightly belated, but congrats on the new role at [COMPANY]. It looks like you’re really innovating with [THING].
When you got started in the role, did you inherit a bunch of disconnected IT systems?
We help CFOs eliminate personal risk by pulling their data into the cloud (and out of Excel).
Would it make sense to jump on a quick call to see if I can help?
Thanks,
Ab