It’s a decent email and so there might be an issue else where. Can you feedback on –
– How many emails have you send in step-by-step cadence?
– Who are these emails going to? ICP etc
– Where are you getting their emails from?
– Are you “cleaning” the email list before you send them out? If you’re scraping emails then this is a must (https://www.bulkemailchecker.com/)
– Have you checked inbox deliverablity? (https://www.mail-tester.com/)
I wouldn’t think you’re doing any harm to your brand with that message. That would fit perfectly in PPC and so won’t offend anyone.
Based on the above the next steps could be –
– Personalise first line
– Narrow ICP
– Clean emails or use different tool to aquire them
– Much longer cadence if only sending one email