Will pretty much nailed it. Everything is way too long.
They cant really see the subject line pass 3-4 words, and they are not reading past three sentences.
Hook them with the first line by personalizing and targeting their specific pains.
Aim for three words on the subject line, and for a three sentence body including the CTA.
Test the efficacy of your cadences with small groups of ICPs at a time so you don’t burn through your TAM.